At night is when I think. When Im not skating. Its when the bad thoughts come and the good ones too. What is it that is pushing me to do this? I know what it is. It is the thought of failure that I can' stand. When you want to accomplish something so bad, but you fail. Ive tasted that feeling before. Going to Ghana, planning on two years and only finishing 3 months, coming home with my head held low. That feeling. It bums you and puts you down. It controls your mind and you cant think of anything else. I failed at getting jobs. You feel like a waste a useless piece of junk that needs to be tossed, just using up resources on this Earth. I can't have that feeling again. I won't go back to Memphis and say I couldn't do it. I won't go back to Rhode Island and say I have been gone but I haven't done shit, just lay around all day smoking and listening to music. Fuck that.
I would rather die trying to succeed than to fail and still be alive. I would rather die on the road than to quit because I was to exhausted or whatever.
I picture myself when I finally get to San Diego. I see the Pacific Ocean. I see the waves breaking and me running out in a frenzy to catch the next barrel at Trestles. Posing for an emotional picture by the sign that says "San Diego, 10 miles" I will succeed, but then what? Who is to greet me at San Deigo? What do I do when I get there? Where do I go then? Emptiness, blankness